Right now I am creating life. I am in charge eating well so that these babies get good nutrition. I am in charge of staying hydrated so they have a lot of fluid to keep them warm. I am in charge of getting enough rest so that my body can work on sending the girls blood and oxygen. I am in charge of helping my body to function well so that these girls can grow to be big healthy girls at delivery and hopefully not come to soon. I have made it 30 weeks. 30 weeks of committing myself to two other lives so that one women could have her greatest wish come true. So that one women could know what it feels like to love her own children, to be called 'mom', to watch her daughters grow in to young ladies, to pass on traditions that were passed on to her. It is truly the most amazing gift to give another. When I see the girls move in my belly, which is often and their movements are big, I am still in awe that I am able to do this. This Mother has a heart of Gold and she will be the greatest mother to these girls. I am truly blessed to make her wish come true.
Right now I am also dealing with death. My mom was diagnosed with soft pallet cancer (aka throat cancer) back in 2012. At the time we did not know that it would be terminal. She has been through Radiation, 3 different chemo's and about 7 surgery's. My mom is a strong soldier who never gives up and always believes there is a solution for everything. Unfortunately, her cancer is much stronger and instead of going away, getting smaller or even stop growing it has continued and has spread. At this point my mom is very weak and has very little time left. I have been told she won't make it to March, but no one really knows. My oldest son is 21 and a Marine. He was deployed July 2014 and is due back home soon. She really wants to see him and I think will try to hang on until he gets home. He is to be back early spring, but no real date. I never thought I would loose my mom at this point in my life. I really thought I had much more time with her. We have spent some good times together and this past summer did a few small things she really wanted to do. One was to go to the Getty Center Museum in LA. The other was to go to the Festival of the Arts. She really enjoyed both of those things and they were really the last of the mother daughter adventure's. Just to give you a quick background, my mom and I have had a rough relationship. For many years I really didn't like my mom and the choices she made in her life. They were very painful for me and when I really needed her as I was growing up through the awkward preteen, teenage, and young adult life, she wasn't there. She actually became very ill and almost passed away then. Since then she has done a lot to change her life and be healthy. We have spent a lot of time repairing our relationship and have become very close. I have learned a lot of wonderful things about my mom and who she is and admire her talent and abilities. She has been the person I go to for a lot of business decisions, organization ideas, birthday ideas, fashion, decorating..... I guess a lot of things. I am sad that there will come a day when I pick up the phone to share something with her only to realize she isn't hear anymore.
With both things happening at the same time, life and death, it has been a roller coaster of emotions. Right now I can feel the girls kicking and moving around, which makes me smile, while tears stream down my face thinking about my mom. I do my best to stay in the moment and not dwell on what is going to happen or even when, but try to focus on spending quality time with my mom and share with her everything that is going on and stay present in today.
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